How to catch a train in South Africa

1. check Shosholoza Meyl website
2. site is down
3. call Shosholoza call centre
4. hold 20 minutes
5. book 5 x 1 way tickets in sleeper car and get reference number
6. discover only way to pay is at a station
7. go to Vereeniging and Sasolberg stations to find they no longer handle tickets for Shosholoza Meyl
8. call Shosholoza call centre
9. hold 20 minutes
10. extend booking reference payment deadline
11. go to Witbank station
12. find security guards in old lost and found office using 2 plate stove as heater
13. wake up booking office attendant who is sleeping in sleeper car of broken down shosholoza train standing in station
14. wait in dilapidated station while Steven, the booking officer, opens up
15. be surprised by computer, modem, printer and telephone in working order
16. pay cash for  5 x tickets
17. discover by chatting to Steven that you will be able to pre-book motorbikes onto train after all
18. chat to gangsters who arrived in tricked out car wearing shiny tracksuits and caps on backwards while Steven calls guy in charge of baggage at Joburg Station
19. sit in locked car outside station counting out R4000 in cash to pay for bikes
20. wonder if said cash will ever be reconciled with tickets issued centrally
21. arrive at Joburg station at least 2 hours early on day of departure to load bikes
22. leave on time 2.20pm!
23. dining car not operational
24. drink bar dry
25. sleep
26. get off train in Queenstown and ride motorbikes back to Joburg